25.12.10

concealing. (haikus)

the ceilings are high
here, my lungs are full of shit,
not unlike most things.

a day without maps
is like a night without stars,
i just want to puke

a little dizzy
from blacking out every night.
sober just as drunk.

disease, malfunction,
ability is only
a mindset if you

are not sick ev'ry
day in a body that seems
so smooth against cogs

so crunched in those cogs
you become the oil and you
know no one is free

together we can
find the edge of the world and
then find it again

the next day while we
anchor it to some heaven
that only exists

here in shaky hands
held by another's hands
less shaky and then

we'll take turns just like
seasons share a year and life
takes over death till

life no longer wants
itself nor death but something
less nauseating.

20.12.10

resp.

like the little man chasing the princess
like the little man, i am like him
and can't stop leaving the lights on.
like the little man i am moving backwards.
can you believe it?

17.12.10

I'm sitting in this gallery, an arbiter. My presence here says something to you: it says, this is worth protecting and I am a guard. Please don't touch the canvas, there is something there you could ruin. There is a meaning and these lines are important, why else would they so accurately repeat what's been said, what's so ostensibly worth saying? "Men With Brushes" and also the converse. They bump and they brush by, they have places to be and very important things to say about the responsibility of the artist to representation, to truth.
I demand the converse, the counterpoint. Advocate, please do. I want it in ways that make you angry, in ways that make you roll your eyes and just really be full of disbelief that I could even ask you t do something like that when it's so like transparently obvious that they are all of history. Representation is all of history, nothing figurative there. Ambiguous, editorialized, interpreted certainly. But never interpretive. You say there is no need for the interpreted. I say you say there is no need for the interpretive and before you even say it here I am, interpreting. We are both interpreting constantly, literally without cease. Sans cessation.

18.11.10

I am seeking protection

Arms that would welcome a beast:

assertive – soft

without touching:

my magnetic field;

genderless, definite.

held,

composed

superficially, anyway

16.11.10

Andromeda, Thinking of Men

Now I put my faith in astrology. Not the heavens, but their turning
and the points of light that break the void. Let me assure you
though, it’s all chaos up there, and they’re only myths I whisper.
Tell me I’m more beautiful than the Nereids. I’m not afraid,
I stopped believing in monsters, and chairs.

I’d still like you to save me though, to find me by the shore in chains.
I know it’s not very modern to want for you to come to me
here, bringing me the heads of the women you loved before.
Carry them over your back until you find me on the rocks,
you don’t know how long I’ve thought of men.

Before you came it was only uncles with jewels and hands,
but we can put that behind us once you’ve loosened things up.
I’ll let you run your finger along my gums, they say you can learn
a lot from the teeth. They’ll tell you things if you touch them right.
I really am eager to meet you, you know.

I told you it’s the turning, not the heavens themselves and it’s true.
The stars have houses we can’t see and they have ways of returning
like whales and certain turtles to the places they know. The stars are
faithful, and so I am too. Because I know you’ll come back to me
if I just put myself out there. Out here.

13.11.10

You can read these lists as much as you'd like but they won't help you unless you let them.

It's not that you're ignoring their words or pretending the diagnostics are faulty because they've never really been inside you the way that only you could ever be, because what's the point of thinking about things that way. It's exclusionary at the deepest level. It's elitist. It's more about this reluctance to apply these ideas to your own mode of being because you just don't really know what your own mode of being is. Can you paint a landscape with language? Is that even something you're concerned with?

Though even this is evasive and intellectually dishonest. The common theme running through every entry is just that you need to write to be a writer and that you aren't going to get better if you aren't doing it. Thinking about writing isn't practice and you need to stop pretending that it is. You can hone these critical skills as much as you'd like, train yourself to be able to really finely dissect the anatomy of these things, but do you really expect that to help you create? Does the anatomist become a better sculptor or does he just become more aware of the mistakes in the marble; the problems inherent in these materials?

5.6.10

"I'm fairly certain that playing videogames has given me unrealistic expectations when it comes to solving real problems. Independent of the scenario - a race of ravenous sentient robots, a wife lost in the folds of a parenthetical metanarrative, and so on - I can be expected to deliver a satisfactory resolution in twenty hours or less. More than satisfactory, in fact. I will recalibrate your entire concept of success as it relates to human endeavor.

I might leave a crack somewhere in the proceedings, something to allow for a sequel, sure - Navajo rugs, and so forth. But this oil thing exists at a point beyond my ability to usefully file it in my mind. I have a naive, quasi-religious faith in the capacity of people to resolve problems, borne of three decades plowed into interactive power fantasies and utopian science fiction. It's left me more or less paralyzed by the world-as-it-is." -Jerry Holkins

3.6.10

black hat

and you look but there's just nothing
and you're scrambling for some justification
because you can justify anything
but there's nothing when you look
so you have to wonder if maybe this endless recursion
of feeling bad because you don't feel bad enough
and feeling bad because you know you're bad
but not feeling worse because at least you know you're bad
as though anything's better

repeating to yourself over and over that you don't understand
how anyone smart can feel good
because anyone smart must know how horrible they are
how horrible and bad and not good they are

i am horrible and bad and not good
but doesn't it feel good to say
to justify anything by knowing how horriblebadgoodnot you are
so of course you would act horrible
act bad, you don't know any other way
so in finding nothing, you find something
to justify anything because you are so fucking smart.

1.4.10

quiverhold

it is, eat or be eaten.

she's the only one can feel the underearth burn through concrete.

stinks like carrion, arrow-ridden exhibitionist.

she's the only one can hunt spiders, come out reeking like rot-blood and fir mold.

temptation rings in the ears. permanent damage. saltwater soft stroke.


you were gorgeous you were everything. potent congenial. bee milk galaxy. dischord sleepwave. everything.

moon dance, heart twist, hands wrung, sun shift.

blood memory. scar conscious. blood memory.


war voyeurs lick the blood off the battle scene
like starving kittens

you cook your bruises on the concrete of a dead-air summer

while you sweat out spring water,
arrow held fast and warm against your cheek.

29.3.10

'in medias res' as an indication of trauma

and so we look for anchors to keep us aligned
pressed, pulled more accurately, more accurately
because there are places we need to be
and these dogs need to be walked four times per day
that's why you can't lock yourself in the bathroom
that's why you can't lock yourself in the bathroom all day

It's easy to sink, it's the floating that worries me.
(--I need you.)

26.3.10

i miss you, sincerely

12.1.10

softly. slowly.

cheers to doing what feels good.

latest history lesson is how to rip the pictures out of the book.

there's a parasite in memory.

3.1.10

already slipping

I could brush my teeth with the stains on my sleeve, but the potential to progressively think I'm losing my shit costs more than toothpaste on cuffs after a morning ritual of coffe, rinse, repeat. Oh how terrified I am to cut everything out,to feel insanity, to succeed these ties and rip my pearls out by their already slipping roots.