black hat

and you look but there's just nothing
and you're scrambling for some justification
because you can justify anything
but there's nothing when you look
so you have to wonder if maybe this endless recursion
of feeling bad because you don't feel bad enough
and feeling bad because you know you're bad
but not feeling worse because at least you know you're bad
as though anything's better

repeating to yourself over and over that you don't understand
how anyone smart can feel good
because anyone smart must know how horrible they are
how horrible and bad and not good they are

i am horrible and bad and not good
but doesn't it feel good to say
to justify anything by knowing how horriblebadgoodnot you are
so of course you would act horrible
act bad, you don't know any other way
so in finding nothing, you find something
to justify anything because you are so fucking smart.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That David Foster Wallace audiobook has me craving more audiobooks of similar awesomeness. I can only presume that the reason this reminds me of him is because I don't read enough. Kind of like how my dad describes different qualities of coffee as 'bitter' or 'not bitter'. I desperately need to read more. I started Crime and Punishment a couple weeks ago, barely started, but so far its mind blowing. Team oscillation reading binge. I haven't been here for a while. I miss it.