Come on honey, stop denying it. You can't pretend anymore. That fucker raped you and there's nothing you're ever going to do about it but have panic attacks every time you see someone who looks remotely like him. Quit drinking to forget the fact that you don't feel like a normal human being anymore. Stop pretending you don't want to blow your brains out. Stop acting like it's all up in the air and no one is quite sure what is was or what it wasn't. You said no, he didn't care. End of story. Stop obsessing and try to just accept the fact that skin on skin contact makes you recoil, and that you'll never have a normal relationship again.
I just needed to pretend that there was no way to tell, and that's why it was never going to be reported. Really I'm just afraid of existing.