It keeps me awake

It's three weeks after the fact, and she can't quite get over what happened. She realizes that this is simply because she isn't entirely sure what happened, and this is what bothers her. She lays nervously in her bed, tossing and turning, a mind full of regrets and possible scenarios that would have been better than what she let happen, and possible scenarios that could have been much worse, which is why she let what happen continue in the first place. Everytime she tells someone the reaction is different:

"That sucks"
"I'm sorry that happened to you"
"Don't worry, it doesn't count"
"You're an idiot for putting yourself in that situation"
"Take legal action, charge him with rape."


And She wants so terribly to deny that last one. To throw up her arms and scream that that is not what is was at all.

"Did he know you didn't want to?"
"Yes."
"Did you say no?"
"Yes."
"Then..."


She just isn't sure. She knows that in all likelihood any sort of legal claim against him would be thrown out. How could she possibly say it's not what she wanted when she stayed there, and she lay there, and however many times she said no and pushed him out, she didn't push him away. Every single time she said no was canceled out by her disregard for her body, and for the situation, and by her blood alcohol content. Every single time was canceled out when she completely gave up on herself, and on trying to fight because she was too worried that if she fought him that he would've fought her back. Every single time was canceled out by when she, out of confusion and fear, agreed to be on top when he asked her to. In that one minute, even as she said, "No, it hurts," she became a willing participant. Or so she convinces herself, or tries to. It wasn't until she pulled herself away from him and began to cry uncontrollably that she realized the severity of the situation.

If that hadn't made her a willing participant, than the morning did. She woke up disgusted with herself, and who she was lying next to. She woke up with the same feeling of disgust that she had after her former boyfriend begged her to do with him what she just did with this man who was practically a stranger.

...at least he had the decency to ask her before he tried to put it in.... at least he had the decency to accept a "No" as "No."...

So in the morning she lay there, not leaving as she should have, because she did not want to go home, she did not want to move, but she did not want to stay. She couldn't bring herself to care enough for herself to stand up, and go. So when he finally woke up and her heart sank, and he rolled onto her, she simply closed her eyes, and turned her head, and tried her best not to cry. She made no real effort to stop him, and stop the pain, and stop anything until she was snapped into some sense and quietly said, "Derek stop, you need a condom."

But what was she to do through all that. She can make excuses for herself for letting it happen. What would anyone else do with a 6'7" drunk man on top of them bitting hard on their lip despite their pleas for him to stop that. What would anyone do when he replies, "No, you'll learn to like it."


It scared her.
It made her freeze.
It made her crawl outside of herself.
She didn't want to lose her virginity that night or to him.
She didn't want it to turn into a rape.
So she let just enough happen so that for many people as well as herself it's still up in the air if she did lose anything, or if it was anything to get police involved in.