i am afraid i'm losing touch with my masculinity

i keep saying i'm not talking about women
and you keep defending yourself as though i am.
i wish you could listen to my words instead of
doing your worst to read into me.

i don't understand why we are made to look like enemies,
struggling from "different" sides against the same perpetual victor

i used to think my life moved in a series of spirals
but now i see there is just one
and it is just me
at the hands of some faceless force of propulsion.

there are other words you could have used.
there are still others i could use,
new meanings to take the place of this
headrush whirlwind upset stomach
kind of twisting entanglement, the breaker roar and drowning sounds
something like every heart attacking, marching through the eardrum and into the skull.

there are always other words,
yet i wait for you to use them first, to give me some kind of outward motion.

this is
and is not


i didn't want to confront you on this,
but suddenly your face and this circle spinning
have taken the place of this shapeless force that
presses its hands to my shoulders
and sets the world revolving

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