tearing apart radios

bloody headache stemming from my fused and broken night of sipping down alcohol
bloody lyrics that i don't know how to sing but can apply to every instance of my being
and I am so ridden with angst
and there is so much to put into closing, to get started on, and to consider.
bloody graduation in two months with friends i often feel like I barely know but love, and bloody family that I won't know how to handle or say goodbye to .
bollocks to all of this.
none of it fits my schedule. Nothing can fit here beside me or inside of me when there is dirt under my nails again, freshly lifted spring dust that has traveled from the ground to his coat to my skin, aching torn muscles that tell stories of previous adventures, and agitated eyes that get stuck in a permanent squint.
and I feel impenetrable until I,you,or this season, finds my fault line. That place where all I am is great loops of gravel and vodka and soft hands and giggle fits that occur down dirtroads under empty night skies that gleam off of the flowers in my hair.
It's the same place where I hold the most beautiful people in the world inside of me.

it's too bad I can't share this. It's too bad this is virtually impossible to be interpreted for someone else to read and fully understand
I miss my beautiful friend. I don't even know who that applies to anymore. I miss so many people even though they're not gone. I love that quote from "Catcher in the Rye"

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everyone."

yeah, that's me too.


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